I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
