she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
my penis made a compromise with my morals
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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