had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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