I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
