Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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