I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
