I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize