I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
