you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
