get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
the day after is always just damage control
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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