i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
