I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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