took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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