Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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