There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize