New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
