Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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