We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
