wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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