I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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