It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
