I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize