I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
