The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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