3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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