And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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