I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
