By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize