i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
