i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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