Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize