He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
