Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
