The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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