My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
