I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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