...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
