I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
