tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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