Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
