I cannot find my penis.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
