It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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