I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Mom said you looked used
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
