were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
