its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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