You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
