Will you blow on my dice?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Randomize
