This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
