chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
