Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ketchup is God's man juice
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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