I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
