Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
