The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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