I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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